Beyond My Heart
by deepwater1978
Summary: What is happiness? How can one know if it had reached your doorstep? It is a difficult question and there is just no definite answer. I've been searching for the answer for a long time until I read an article recently. It was very meaningful and the ending caught my attention... It is not what happens to you that determines happiness. It is how you think what happens to you.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

I was running again, away from love.

Sometimes there may be no second chance for love, my best friend warned me. Yes, I understood completely but I was still afraid. What if it did not turn out to be what I've expected?

This was not the first time. I'm always a runaway soul and maybe I will always be one. Why? I wished I knew the answer.

I have yearned for him for 4 years and finally destiny was on my side. We were starting to have some common grounds, sharing our viewpoints in studies, work and life. It was the start of a friendship.

It may blossom to deeper relationship, my best friend told me. And that was the scary part. He has always been a fantasy to me. I've never dreamt in my life that I could actually be his friend. Then there he was here, talking and joking with me! It was unbelievable.

But deep inside my heart I was extremely could I be so lucky? He was such a perfect gentleman! Friendly, goodlooking, smart, intelligent, good sense of humour etc. How could he look into my way? Especially when I was such a plain, ordinary woman.

Runaway soul, that was me.

* * *

 **I'm so sorry that I haven't had time to write recently. Work has been busy and my mother was very sick in the recent weeks. But I am so excited today because I have managed to find my long-lost favourite fanfiction writer "Runaway Soul"! This was her story that made me wondered maybe I should start writing.**

 **I have modified her story for our favourite TVD's couple Damon and Elena. This is based on Elena's POV.**

 **Hopefully my readers will like this. Enjoy:)**


	2. Chapter 2

4 years ago...

Dear Diary,

Caroline told me that love at first sight would only exist in movies. I strongly agreed with her statement until he appeared.

I could still remember that day was a Wednesday. It was a sunny morning. He was standing at the corridor talking to a group of people when I walked past him. Maybe it was a coincidence or maybe it was fate, I was not sure. We looked up at the same time and our eyes locked for a second. He continued to talk but my heart was doing a double time. I walked away quickly.

I had never felt like this before. It was scary but exciting to me. Who was this guy?

x x x

Dear Diary,

Destiny was on my side that day. He was my new tutor, taking over Prof Alicia who was on maternity leave. I could hardly concentrate on my tutorial but I tried my very best to contribute in the discussion as I wanted him to have a good impression on me.

His name was Damon. Damon Salvatore/

In the next few weeks, I was living in a haze. Every time I saw Damon, my heart would race like a horse. If he smiled at me, my soul would melt. Unfortunately we seldom had the chance to talk beside the tutorials. I only found out from friends that he was a few years my senior and he was just doing a part-time job at the moment while waiting for his new employment to commence. I wished I could get to know him better but I could not get enough courage to approach him.

x x x

Dear Diary,

Damon was always surrounded by girls! I was jealous but what could I do? Most of them were pretty, smart and sexy. They could make him laugh but I could not. Beside impressing him with my work and performance, there was nothing I could do to get his attention.

When the semester ended, I was absolutely devastated. Holidays were coming and when I came back he would be gone, forever! I still remembered the last day of this semester clearly. I was walking out of the library when he marched in. He smiled at me briefly and walked past me. Walking past and out of my life, just like this...Ever since then, there was no more news of him in the campus.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

What a beautiful day! Today was the big day as I had finally graduated from the university. I was thrilled and excited to be able to start work soon. The economic situation was bad at the moment but I was really lucky to be able to secure a job before graduation. I was really looking forward to it.

Looking at the graduation gown and hood, my heart was soaring and I felt like I was floating. All the years of hard work had finally paid off. I was the type who had high expectations from myself. Being born in a family with successful parents and siblings had turned me into a competitive person. The only thing that mattered to me since young was to be successful. I had never stopped to look at things at ease and at times, there was a deep sense of loss...

My parents were proud of me. I could see the glittering tears in my mum's eyes when I received the token from the Dean. The ceremony was a great success. Everything was just perfect.

At night lying on my bed, I was still too excited to sleep. Life was looking good ahead. I had wonderful parents and siblings, supportive friends, good job with impressive salary etc. Why still I felt that there was something lacking and missing?

Suddenly I wished that Damon was here to share all these with me. But the problem was, where was he?


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

Time passed quickly. I can't believe it has been six months since I had graduated.

I have been busy with my work since graduation. My pace of life was so quick that at times I felt totally drained. I wished there was someone there to catch me when I was down but ...

Never mind, I was used to loneliness anyway.

Sometimes I still think of Damon, wondering what he was doing. Then I realized maybe he was just my fantasy after all. I would always treasure all the good memories of him.

x x x

Dear Diary,

Never would I dream of seeing Damon again!

My colleague was doing this project and needed some information from an IT company. Since she had many projects to handle I volunteered to give her a hand to get all the relevant information and resources from the company. Guess what? He was the guy who had been working closely with my colleague! Unbelievable!

Finally destiny was on my side but my heart was broken when Damon could not even remember or recognize me at all. I was sobbing over the phone when I told my best friend but she said I should not give up. Maybe all it take was just a chance.

Yes, she was right. It never hurt to try again. A risk to be hurt or a chance to be loved? I was gonna take it!

x x x

Dear Diary,

Working with Damon had been a dream. So I was pretty nervous in everything I said or did. Just could not help it when you were trying your best to leave a good impression!

My role here in helping out my colleague was basically obtaining the relevant information for her project. Getting information and statistics from him was not a tough job. He was very helpful and I really enjoyed working with him. But there was still a gap between us that I sensed. Even though I had hinted that we were from the same university it did not ring a bell for him apparently, sigh!

x x x

Dear Diary,

This morning my boss told me to take up a big project which would occupy a large part of my time. I did not want to accept the offer but it was a good opportunity for my promotion and experience as well. Furthermore I really enjoyed my work at the moment and letting the chance to slip away was absolutely a waste.

So I handed back the project to my friend, although quite unwillingly. When I told Damon I was not handling the project anymore he did not say a word. He looked perfectly fine! I was totally disappointed.

Maybe I was just not important to him at all.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

Life went on.

I was busy with my work, as usual. The new project took up a large proportion of my time but it was a great project, in which I had learnt a lot. My boss was very pleased with my performance. I was working harder and harder, as if I was trying to prove to myself and others that I was competent. Deep inside my heart, I knew I was just trying to forget about Damon.

Sometimes when I was alone especially at night, he would still wander in my mind. I tried very hard to push away his image but it was difficult. For that I hated myself.

x x x

Dear Diary,

My office recruited new staff. We had one senior staff helping our in the project. According to the project manager, he was good in his work. I enjoyed team work but at the same time I did not like the idea working with new people. Too many cooks spoil the broth! But I was terribly wrong.

Matt was his name. His smile just brought sunshine to everyone in the office. The first impression was good when I met him early in the morning. Friendly and easy-going.

x x x

Dear Diary,

Work. That was the only word that described my life in the next few months. I was working even harder than before! There were some obstacles while our team was trying to finalize the project. The statistics were too old, the data needed some amendment, some of the staff were down with flu etc. It was tough but I never gave up. Challenge was what I thrived for.

Matt was a good help. He was very efficient in his work and most of his ideas were brilliant. I had never worked with someone who was so enthusiastic and so full of energy in the past. Furthermore he had a good sense of humour and our office was filled with laughter since his arrival.

We were having a good working relationship. He was one of the best colleague I had ever worked with. There was always fun when working with him. Sometimes his jokes made me laughed so hard that I could not even continue my job!

x x x

Dear Diary,

Tonight I was working late again. Everyone left the office earlier as it was Friday. The start of weekend.

I was installing the final data into the computer when I heard the knock on the door.

"Don't tell me you are working late tonight again?"

It was Matt.

I was surprised that he had not left yet.

"Everyone should be gone by now. Why are you still here?" I asked.

He pulled a chair and sat down in front of my desk. "You should go home too. You work too hard!" he said.

I smiled. He was not the first person who had told me this statement. "Just some final touch up for the project. I will be done in an hour. Then I can go," I answered and directed my attention back to the computer screen. "What about you? Why are you still here?"

He shrugged his shoulder and said, "I have nothing on my schedule anyway, so I just stay to tidy up some work."

"Hmm.." I was half-listening, concentrating on my work.

"May I buy you dinner?" Matt asked next.

I shook my head and continued typing.

"You should eat your dinner. Skipping meals are bad for your health."

I pointed at a package on my desk and said," I have my sandwich here with me."

There was a moment of silence. "Why don't you go, Matt?" I opened my mouth after a while.

"No, I will stay to keep you company," he answered.

My head shot up instantly. What did he say? "No, it is late now. You should go."

He shook his head. "No, I will stay. I can walk you to the carpark after wards. It's dark outside."

My heart was washed with a wave of warmness and I felt a lump forming in my throat. No man had ever made me felt so touched in my life. Well, maybe my Dad has.

It was very tempting to accept his offer. He was a good company and he was right. I was afraid of darkness. Who would not be?

Then I saw him stifled a yawn and this brought me back to reality. "No, Matt. Go home. I'm fine here. And I'm not afraid of darkness. The carpark here is perfectly safe." My tone was firm.

He stood up from his chair. "Very well, I will see you next wee,." he said.

I turned and stared at the computer screen, pretending I was working. "Sure, see you!" I answered.

After Matt had left, I could not concentrate on my work for a moment. There was something missing that was disturbing to me. I wished I knew what it was. I forced myself back to work and when I did leave the office, it was reaching 10 o'clock.

I was supposed to be tired but I couldn't sleep. I was restless. The moonlight was streaming through the window and a sense of loneliness creeped slowly into my heart and soul. Yes, I knew what I was missing. A life! A life with love. I was yearning for a love that could not be returned. From a man who would never love me.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

Everyone in the office was so cheerful. Our project had finally being accepted by the client and it would be launched in a couple of months time.

When I walked into the conference room, there were applauses from my team. It was my first project and I was extremely happy that it turned out to be successful. I waited for the applause to end before I spoke.

"Thanks for all the hard work and help. Without all of you, this project would not be a success. The applause belongs to all of you!"

Another round of applauses and whistles roamed the room. My boss came around to congratulate me. Everyone was basically thrilled. I did not have the opportunity to talk to Matt anymore since that evening. He was busy chatting with other colleagues in a corner. I was too carried away with the celebration going on. It was not until later that day I met him in the staff room.

"Hey, a good job done!" he said when I entered the room.

I smiled. "It's a team effort."

I walked towards the water cooler and poured myself a cup of water.

"No coffee?" he asked.

"I don't need stimulant," I answered. It was a fact. The caffeine in coffee was bad for your heart. Furthermore I had never liked the strong aroma of coffee.

"You know what? Sometime, you need stimulant and excitement in life. Otherwise how do you have fun?"

"Well, I will have my way!" I answered offensively and turned to walk away.

"No, please don't go."

Matt caught my hand firmly. I stood frozen to the ground when I felt the warmth of his hand wrapped around mine. I did not turn to look at him. My heart was beating faster and faster. I felt my cheek turning red and hot too. What was wrong?

"Can we go out sometime in future? Just the two of us?" he said it softly but I could hear the words clearly.

It was the moment that I dreaded. I had never let any man into my life because I was still in love with another man. I did not want to hurt anyone else. I knew how it felt to be hurt and rejected. Matt was a good man. I enjoyed his company but to go out with him was another issue.

"Can we?" he pleaded again, holding on to my hand.

"Let me think about it." I pulled away my hand and walked out of the room. My mind was in a total mess and I was confused. I could not make a decision right now. I needed some time for myself to think about this.

I was running again.

x x x

Dear Diary,

"You should go out with him!" Caroline was screaming over the phone when I told her about Matt. She had demanded all the details about this mysterious man who had suddenly appeared in my life. A man whom I had never mentioned before.

Caroline and I had known each other since high school. We were so close to each other as if we were blood sisters. She had been there all the time whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on.

I sighed. "You don't understand, do you? I can't go out with him!"

"Why not?" she asked.

Good question. Why not? I wished I knew the answer too.

There was a moment of silence over the phone.

"You still miss him, don't you?" Caroline started to speak again.

I wanted to protest and argue but no words formed in my mouth. She was right. I still missed and loved Damon. And there was not a single chance that he would love me back the way I wanted him to.

x x x

Dear Diary,

I was quiet the whole evening. My mum who was a good observer, took noticed of my silence.

"Elena, you looked tired today. Are you alright?"

"Oh...I'm fine. I'm just...tired," I gave her a smile. My dad looked at me and said , "Don't work too hard girl, you should have some fun too."

I smiled as I nodded.

"By the way, who is Matt? He called when you were in the shower just now," Dad continued.

I nearly choked when I heard Matt's name. He called? What was he doing?

"A colleague. I will return his call later," I answered.

The phone was on the desk. I could not gather the courage to pick up the phone to call Matt. It was an ironic situation. As a plain, ordinary woman, I should feel flattered when a wonderful man like Matt was asking me out for a date. But why these confusion and frustration? Why did I need to be so complicated?

Yes or no? Arrgg...I did not know!

A dilemma.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

Astrology was a mystery to me. At the same time I had never believed in astrology. How could the stars and signs determine a person's fate? But reading the astrology was always fun and exciting. Playing some of the games and tests was even thrilling. Caroline and I used to love doing these tests and games till midnight.

It had been a while since I have had time to play these games. Working had become a large part of my life now. However, when you were desperate for an answer you could do stupid things!

I was trying out all sorts of questions and games related to romance. In the hope that all these would give me a hint on what I should be doing. How could I get myself into this horrible situation? Then something caught my attention.

It was called an Oracle Wheel. There were questions that I could choose and then an Oracle symbol to click on. An answer would be given for your answer. Easy and quick! Some of the answers were funny and made me laughed. But a few actually made me thinking. Serious thinking.

Matt was a good man. Although I knew him for a short time, he earned all the pluses just like the man I loved did. I would be happy if I were with him. Furthermore I should stop wasting my energy on someone not worthy of me. Life was too short for regrets, wasn't it?

The phone rang. I picked it up. It was Matt. I knew what I should be doing now.

x x x

Dear Diary

Matt and I had been going out for 3 months. The time that we spent together was wonderful. He was a great guy who made me feel that I was a special woman and being truly appreciated. Guess I was the luckiest and happiest woman on earth. But I was wrong.

I felt comfortable with him. There was no strong emotion, strong attraction attached. It was just cozy being with him. I liked him but I did not love him. It was the truth that I could not hide from myself.

I felt totally exhausted every time we went out. I knew he was trying his best to win my heart and I appreciated his effort.

The problem was me. There was always a sense of loss. Anything could trigger off this uneasy feeling. A nice scenery, a good meal, a melodious song etc.

The man I wanted to be with was Damon. Not Matt!

Every time I wished I was in his arm instead of Matt's! I knew I was a bitch. But I just could not control my feeling.

Finally I decided to end the relationship. I did not want to lie to him anymore so I told him the man who lived in my heart. A man whom I had loved so deeply for many years and nobody could take over his place. Not now. Maybe not forever.

Matt was silent for a long, long time. Finally he spoke. "I know you have tried your best to forget him but you just can't. You love him so much that you could sacrifice anything on earth for him. Just like I could for you."

I swallowed hard and tried to fight the tears that were surfacing. "Mat, I'm really sorry..."

"No, don't apologize. There is no explanation for love. The fact is you love him. I'm glad that you could tell me the truth now."

"Thank you for understanding, Matt," I sobbed.

"Yes, I understand but it hurts too." he caressed my cheek softly. I felt a wave of sympathy washed over my body. It was for Matt. Love always hurts.

My parents were shocked to know the news. Everyone in the household were asking questions. I did not tell them anything. It was the same in the office. There were lots of whispering and unusual staring whenever Matt or I walked past.

Neither Matt and I had gather the courage to talk to each other again. It was a loss but there was nothing I could do. There was a relief after I had broken off with Matt. No more sleepless night due to the terrible guilt that had been gripping my heart since we started dating. Maybe nobody would understand. Only one person did.

It was Caroline. She did not ask me the reason. I guessed she knew it all along that it was going to happen. She was there when I needed the hug and comfort. And that was the important thing. At least I knew I was not alone.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Diary,

Life was back to normal again. My company sent me to Japan to attend a 2 months course. It was a good opportunity and I would be a strong candidate for promotion when I returned.

Matt gave me a beautiful bunch of roses when I left. I gave him a big hug. A friendly hug. We could never be lovers but at least we could be friends. It would be better this way.

The plane to Japan finally took off. The sky was perfect blue with fluffy, whitish clouds scattered haphazardly. It was picturesque.

Japan, here I come!

Japan is a wonderful and fascinating country. Although it has rapidly absorbed the western technology in early 19th and 20th centuries, Japan still retains its time-honored culture. Mt Fuji, cherry blossom, gardens, cultural attractions from palaces to sumo wrestling to Kabuki theatre, traditional crafts and religious temples are just some of the alluring attractions.

I was there in October so it was the best time to visit Japan. The weather was mild in the morning and was cool at night.

The bullet train in Japan was just great transportation to the people. I commuted from my accommodation to the site of my training everyday and it was extremely convenient. It was also a good time for me to read a book or magazine.

Never had I felt so relaxed in my life since starting work.

My course was pretty easy for me so there was free time to explore the attractions. I did a lot of walking since I arrived and my feet ached so much it hurt especially at night. But it was worthwhile. Japan was truly amazing and lovely.

The food was awesome too. I have always enjoyed Japanese food and I was starting to worry about my waistline now!

This morning I could not even wake up on time for my course. It might be the sake that I had last night for dinner. I hardly drink normally, so a small amountof alcohol would be enough to knock me off.

I was rushing to my course as there was nobody to listen and take notes on my behalf. I did not take the initiative to make any friends at all since arrival. Maybe I wanted some time to be alone. It did feel good to be alone again.

The lecture room was only a few steps from reach. I sped up, in the hope that I might be able to get there on time. As I turned the corner I collided into a wall of strong muscle and my notes dropped onto the floor with a loud thump.

Cursing underneath my breath I wanted to yell at this careless person who never looked when walking. When I looked up no words formed in my mouth. My mind went blank and my heart nearly stopped.

It was Damon.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Diary,

It was lunch hour. The park was full of people. We sat under the tree, each having our boxed lunch, called an Okendo. It was a black lunch box divided into compartments and each compartment was containing different Japanese delicacies.

This park was my favourite spot. It was only within walking distance from my training site so I liked to bring my lunch along here to enjoy the serenity and peace. It always made me feel calm and relaxed after a wonderful Japanese meal.

Today it felt different. Damon was sitting next to me. I thought I would turn into a nervous wreck if I were to see him again. The feeling was still there but somehow it felt strange.

He was here for a conference and he would be stopping over in Hong Kong for another business meeting in a few days time.

This was the first time we had talked. Seriously talked. There were so much blanks and gaps to be filled in. Suddenly I realized I did not really know him at all. He gave me a sense of familiarity yet he was far from reach.

"Hey, remember don't work too hard girl. You have to look after your man too!" Damon smiled.

How could anyone resist that beguiling smile?

I looked at him and smiled. Obviously he did not know about Matt.

Life was like a kaleidoscope. It changed too quickly and you just could not predict what would happen next. I had never thought to meet Damon again. Not in Japan. I would also never dream that we would talk, just like friends.

We discussed about work. His company was not doing very well at the moment and he was considering to move on and explore other options. Maybe next year, he said. I wanted to further my studies as well and maybe to work overseas for a few years to get some experiences. There were options available which I was considering too. However I had not discussed this issue with anyone yet. Not even with my parents, siblings or Caroline.

Maybe it was autumn. The mood and atmosphere in the park brought a sense of nostalgia. We could actually open our hearts to share so much even we hardly knew each other. Maybe it was just comforting to know that we were not alone here.

I remembered the last words that Damon said, " The most important thing is to ask yourself what you really want in life."

His words still echoed in my mind when I went to bed that night. What did I want in life? Something exciting, fascinating, colourful yet meaningful that many people yearned for? Just like the patterns formed under the kaleidoscope?

Maybe life was not like kaleidoscope. I was constantly changing just like a kaleidoscope.

Unpredictable.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Diary,

Days went by. My course in Japan was coming to an end soon. It was not too stressful and I had a lot of free time. However things were unbelievably expensive here so I had to stay at my boarding lodge during weekdays. After a while it did get pretty boring.

Fortunately I had my PC with me. I was able to keep in touch with my parents, Caroline and some of my colleagues. Of course, Damon was one of them whom I stayed in touch too.

He gave me his email address when he left Japan. At first it was weird to write to him. There were so much that I wanted to ask and say but my fingers were paralyzed in front of the keyboard. It took me a while before I could figure out what to write every time I saw his mails in my inbox.

Sometimes I asked myself, why was I doing this ? Why couldn't I let go of the past? In fact I could be tough and ignore him. It would be the perfect solution. But deep inside my heart I knew that if I were to let the chance to know him slip away, I would regret for the rest of my life. Yet getting to know him was risky. What if he was involved with another woman? What if he never liked me? What if he hurt me again?

"The most important thing is to ask yourself what you really want in life." His words echoed in my mind again.

I closed my eyes and searched within my heart.

x x x

Dear Diary,

Caroline was disappointed with my decision. She wanted me to take a chance with him but I had refused to. Caroline was not a stranger. She was my best friend and she was like my sister. Our friendship had cemented over the years. We were able to talk to each other with sometimes painful honesty. I could tumble out all the feelings, fear and tension built inside me to her easily.

"I know you are afraid but you should learn to love yourself too," she said.

I totally understood what she meant. I was learning to love myself and that was the reason why I had decided to let go of him. Getting to know him and be his friend for the past few months were one of the best time in my life. I felt lucky enough to be his friend and I treasured what we had shared. Yet I knew deep inside my heart that I was just a little sister to him. There was no passion, no unrequited sexual longing between a man and a woman. I doubted that it would ever happen between the two of us.

"Anyway, I just want you to be happy."

We hugged each other and my tears started to surface.

x x x

Dear Diary,

My flight is scheduled to board tomorrow. When I returned from my course I was delighted to know that I was offered an executive position in the head quarter in Seattle, Washington. There was no hesitation this time. I accepted the offer immediately.

I did not tell Damon the news. He was still in Hong Kong when I came home. We were still having interesting conversations in the network but I felt that I was becoming more withdrawn. My responses were vague and half-hearted at times although he had tried to engage me with interesting topics. It was not his fault. It was nobody's fault.

I still loved him with all my heart but I had realized that it was time to let go too.

The night breeze was cooling and the leaves were rattling against the window. I stared at the sky. Tiny, shinny little twinkle stars were scattered on the pitch black sky. I felt peaceful. I closed my eyes and made a wish.

"I want you to be happy, Damon. I know you will live a good life ahead and I wish you good health and happiness in life today and always!"


	11. Epilogue

Dear Diary,

5th Avenue, New York.

The beautiful lights that graced the top of The Empire State building was awe inspiring. I could never imagine I could be here in the New York City's most famous fixture. It was indeed magnificent.

My first stop was on the 86th floor observatory. Here I was surrounded by New York city! All the skyscrapers and buildings seemed close enough to be touched. It was awesome.

When I stepped onto the 102th floor observatory, I was completely, utterly impressed. It was much smaller but the view was breathtaking. I had never known that the world could be so beautiful.

It reminded me of the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" by Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

There were a few couples there, strolling around to snap photos. I did not turn away anymore. There were no more sorrow and sadness.

I smiled.

* * *

 **I could still remember very clearly that I was almost in tears when I finished reading this story from Runaway Soul. It was simple yet touching and beautiful. I just want to share this beautiful story with my readers. And I want to thank them for their support and kind words.**

 **Till next time:)**


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